A forbidden post, An emotional glitch, Forced to repeat

‘In the darkest shades of depression, what really matters shines the most’

I’d love to say those words brought the hope needed to break the hold of such negativity, but the truth as always is far more brutal. When you’re in the pit, life’s assassins have their blades drawn and the only thing you have to fight with is the purest of hate and resentment, forged into the unholiest of weapons, you could be at Disneyland with a winning lottery check and it would mean jack.

Happiness in others becomes poison, taunting jibes to further drive you into the arms of that emotional venom that so easily replaces your blood and turns you into something wretched, as memories of every failed attempt to restore your own happiness fuels your resentment.

Soon there’s nothing, even reaching out and asking for help becomes an embarrassment, your own phycology is turned against you in some twisted fashion as the thought of admitting weakness goes against the corrupted logic driving you to hit that button….

That button, the big red button…. You don’t know what will happen but you know what it’s for, that sweet taste of revenge against life fills your senses and replaces reason and hope. Revenge against love, happiness, anything that’s put you in front the big shiny red button.

Depression my old friend, you’ve walked with me always and when forces conspire to end me you shout “This is my kill, my target, find your own” as I am again saved. But I never forget your own fatal agenda my old friend, and though it’s the ultimate self destruct you seek, you never lie about your purpose or hide your intent, as so much of this world does.

Then the moment strikes, choices are made and her face, smell, that perfect diner on a Sunday eve, somehow it even shadows the pain of not been able to say the three words I so want to confess. Does she know how much power she wields, that in her cause alone I would go to hell and back.

And in that split second, like a tense chess game, with the final play once more I avoid my fate, the board resets.

Till the next time old friend…… And even though I hate where the path of depression leads, I always get a thrill from the descent.

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