An exercise in suffering, only the brave should read! (I dare you to read all the way through)

 

The author of this piece has been phoning call centres and automated phone lines for weeks solid, so enjoy this authentic reconstruction

For those that survive this experience with a shred of sanity I raise a toast!

     Phoning 0800 hell

You have reached an automated phone service; for the purpose of making your suffering more acute please listen to the following options

If you are phoning because you’re a masochist and you like extreme pain press 1 for our deluxe suffering line

If you are looking to waste the next two hours of your life with nothing to show for it please press 2 for our endless ‘put on hold’ then ‘randomly hung up on’ service

If you are calling in regards to giving yourself the final push towards ending your life press 3 and we will put you through to our ‘pass the buck’ service manned by the lower percentile of the human race that are trained to provide only the best annoyance

To be hung up on press 4

For some attempt at getting information that is useless or out of date press 5 and we will put you through to a voice activated sorting line that has a hearing impediment

     Pressing 5…..

Welcome to Moron Bot 5000, the latest in inhumane torture for the masses, are you the person intended for torture….

     Yes

You have selected ‘No

     No I said….

You have selected an unknown response, please reselect….

     YES!!!!!

You have selected ‘No’, please give the name of the person who you wish me to punish for the crime of living…

     I said yes you piece of…

You have selected an unknown response, please reselect or press 1 for the original options….

     Pressing 1

You have reached an automated phone service; for the purpose of making your suffering more acute please listen to the following options

If you are phoning because you’re a masochist and you like extreme pain press 1 for our deluxe suffering line

If you are looking to waste the next two hours of your life with nothing to show for it please press 2 for our endless ‘put on hold’ then ‘randomly hung up on’ service

If you are calling in regards to giving yourself the final push towards ending your life press 3 and we will put you through to our ‘pass the buck’ service manned by the lower percentile of the human race that are trained to provide only the best annoyance

To be hung up on press 4

For some attempt at getting information that is useless or out of date press 5 and we will put you through to a voice activated sorting line that has a hearing impediment

     Pressing 2

We are currently looking at your name on a screen and deciding whether you deserve our £3.00 a minute time, please hold. Alternatively you can check our website www.you already checked here and that is why you’re phoning us.com.stress

     20 seconds later…

Your still in a loop because we can leave you there as long as we wish, alternatively you can check our website www.you already checked here and that is why you’re phoning us.com.stress

     20 seconds later

You’re still there, well done, good for you, alternatively you can check our website www.you already checked here and that is why your phoning us.com.stress

     Two hours later

Sorry, we forgot you existed, would you like to be connected to our financial department to re-mortgage your house in order that you can continue paying for this phone call, alternatively you can check our website www.you already checked here and that is why you’re phoning us.com.stress

     20 seconds later

If you would like to return to our original options press 1 now, alternatively you can check our website www.you already checked here and that is why you’re phoning us.com.stress

     Pressing 1

You have again reached our automated phone service; for the purpose of making your suffering even more acute please listen to the same old options

If you are phoning because you’re a masochist and you like extreme pain press 1 for our deluxe suffering line, with added stress to reward you for your loyalty

If you are looking to waste the next two hours of your life with nothing to show for it please press 2 for our endless ‘put on hold’ then ‘randomly hung up on’ service

If you are calling in regards to giving yourself the final push towards ending your life press 3 and we will put you through to our ‘pass the buck’ service manned by the lower percentile of the human race that are trained to provide only the best annoyance

To be hung up on press 4

For another failed attempt at getting information that is useless or by now out of date press 5 and we will put you through to a voice activated sorting line that has an even worse hearing impediment

     Pressing 3

We are currently looking at your name on a screen and deciding whether you deserve our £3.00 a minute time, please hold. Alternatively you can check our website www.you already checked here and that is why you’re phoning us.com.stress

20 seconds later…

You are still in a loop because we can leave you there as long as we wish, alternatively you can check our website www.you already checked here and that is why you’re phoning us.com.stress

20 seconds later

You’re still there, well done, good for you, alternatively you can check our website www.you already checked here and that is why you’re phoning us.com.stress

     Bang…

You have appeared to lose the will to live; we would like to thank you for choosing our automated service and look forward to your next of kin phoning us to arrange the funeral

Have a pleasant day

Other attempts at humour include: Dating an artist, the insiders guide

And who clicked on the www.you already checked here and that is why your phoning us.com.stress link!?

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