Dear Mum and Dad
After years of mistreatment, I must officially lodge a complaint as child line keeps telling me I am technically an adult so since they refuse to take my calls this is my only recourse, you are the worst parents ever and I must catalogue your failures so the world can see what a good job you did!
Firstly you must be held to task for teaching me the value of hard work when you should have been whimsically giving me everything I demanded, how dare you make respect the value of earning my keep and being a responsible person. Don’t you know I should be useless and lazy, shun hard work and resist getting my hands dirty on occasion, not to mention the fact I feel satisfaction at the end of a hard day, the horror.
You are also most certainly guilty of indulging my gifts, encouraged my creativity to blossom and then cementing the heinous crime by forcing me to voluntarily have dreams to aspire to. This has crippled my ability to not strive to learn more or not take the odd chance or risk and worse… you made me have confidence in myself, how dare you gift me with such a vital life skill.
Now this next crime is unforgivable, almost too dreadful to mention but I must, you made me responsible for my own actions and learn there are consequences to my actions. This has ruined me for life, I think before I act, have common sense, avoid stupid decisions (most of the time!) and don’t expect to get away with things, you even had the audacity to teach me right and wrong!
And Mum (Dad I haven’t forgotten you)… for you the responsibility for this next crime is grave… you didn’t wrap me in cotton wool and hold my hand all the time, you let me make my own mistakes and had the cheek to accept I would do things like get drunk, have sex, be an idiot on occasion and merely made sure I was more than prepared for such things, the cruelty of it.
The horror of this has scarred me for life; I am forever armed with firsthand experience of life and how to deal with it, I have had to clear up my own mess and now I’m not a squeamish worried mummy’s boy who can’t take care of himself but have instead become an independent gentleman.
And to my parents the final rebuff, as I am my own person with my own faults and own mind it is of course your fault when I make a mistake or a poor choice, in no way a reflection of myself and my choices in life. So I must begrudgingly say thank you for being such great parents and I only hope I am as good a teacher to the next generation as you were to me, but because you did such a good job considering your children are all nutcases anyway, it stands to reason that you’re still bad parents and everything’s your fault!
Your loving son
PS: Should anyone have not got the intended humour I would like to reiterate I have two great parents and they did a great job, in fact the poor sods are still stuck having to do a continuingly good job!