Days, weeks, months… Mini breakdowns, stress, depression, anxiety and anything from work issues to financial crap has been murderously smashing against my mental defences, the jagged wall of barbarous design that stands between what’s left of my (attempted) sanity and the horde.
A slow burn panic attack insidiously working its way through my ever desperate resistance is closing as a storm on the horizon, no peace for my increasingly fractured mind as sleep is sacrificed to fraught typing as I construct posts on this blog to vent the backlog of negative emotions, a debt that will not be settled prettily.
Two weeks of perfectly imperfect calm are the reward I lust after, the cleansed landscape after the storm of trepidation, clear landscapes of beautiful emptiness when the stress fuelled horde have immolated themselves in concluding acts of violence for sake of their cause.
Behind the jagged walls everything of importance is locking down the hatches, barricading the doors in expectation of the hellion fury that comes with the hordes inevitable victory over my defences, all but the basic drives of my ghost like humanity are bunkering down.
Survival becomes the defenders chant, survival is about all I’m capable of now.
Sunday 21st… a fateful day… the horde will pour across the last remnants of my rational mind with unkempt ferocity, my body succumbing to the unavoidable side effects of my unstable sleep routines as I will lie fevered and broken, ill health a mere shadow of what will befall me.
Monday 22nd… the hatches open creakingly, cautiously, so that the destruction can be surveyed, doors opening to the first rays of light that the protected inhabitants will have craved for those many days, weeks, months…
Tuesday 23rd … Holiday begins, free breathe leaves my mouth as my eyes open a fresh
Two more days to hold, 48hrs to maintain that barricade before I can blissfully give in
How much will I give?
How much will be sacrificed?
Will I survive?
But even though I know it’ll be worth it a little whisper of creeping doubt utters the words that could yet undo me ‘I hope it’s worth it?’