Dear Santa!

Dear Santa

I would like… No, only kidding, last time we played that game we woke up with a couple of blondes, a feather duster and the March Hare was cooking us breakfast, please do tell me if you remember anything more than the word ‘kibble’ from that night although maybe it’s best left forgotten.

The real reason I write is that I have come into possession of a second hand sleigh, one previous owner and the only damage is a slight dent on the left side, I can flog it to you for about the same amount as that bar tab I had to pay off last year.

That was in no way a slight hint that I’m still pissed off you owe me money of course! Every year is the same, ‘I’ll get you the money, honest’ then ‘I was about to pay off the bar bill but…’and guess who had to pay the freakishly big bar tab. I know you’ve never forgiven me after that year when you woke up in the reindeer pen with the muzzle on, me and the Easter Bunny might have gone too far but you know what happens when the Easter Bunny gets on the vodka, Mrs Santa had a laugh to boot.

Anyway, old business aside, I’m pleased to hear Mrs Santa has forgiven you after having to bail you out again, I don’t care if Rudolph can drive the sleigh blindfolded it still counts as drunk driving if you’re over the limit. I’ve been brushing up on my dancing skills, might even be able to hold my own against the March Hare in a jig contest this year, if Barry the Bear doesn’t corner me to talk about pond politics again and bore me to death.

Speaking of death, his robe is clean and ready for return but next time can he use his own machine; the neighbours get a bit freaked out when it’s hanging out to dry and I’m cleaning a scythe, good for cutting vegetables though.

I’ll let you get on with business; I’ll leave my stocking hanging above the radiator so you can leave me that money you owe and have a great Christmas.

Bob Larkin


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