The Insanity plea
Sanity left me a few years back, it was a sad day
No more was I to frolic in the fields and think how nice the sunset was, how glorious it was to spend a Sunday afternoon picking out shapes in the clouds
Now I fear what’s left of my sanity stays out of loyalty, merely in it for a sense of duty
Frolicking in those fields as I look up at the clouds now reminds me of how I was once normal, functional, and somehow able to relate to things without throwing out a random comment about frogs
So here I am, looking for love, romance and companionship….
I’m fucking crazier than I thought…. My mind hath snapped and what’s left of my senses hath exited the building, even taking the fine bloody china!
So I figure if I’ve really deep ended it with a double pike and loop, ten points from each of the judges for style, may as well dive into a relationship
Either that or a spell in mental health!
The Car Mechanic
Second hand male, two or three previous owners, in good condition
Body work in good condition and everything’s running right under the hood
Couple of glitches in the operating system but on the whole in decent nick
The sense of humour is a bit on the askew side but very healthy
A bit of fixing up, smartening up required but then again, what man doesn’t need that!
No instruction manual included
Overall a good investment for someone willing to take a gamble
For further details contact details are included in profile
The Blunt Approach
I could pretend to be an over sensitive guy that hugs puppies and thinks the best film ever is dirty dancing but I’m not, I have an artist’s temperament, a gentleman’s manners and I don’t go in for all that fluffy bunny crap. So if you’re looking for someone who wears pink, cries all the time and starts calling you my BFF I’m not for you!
I’m looking to meet a women who has similar interests, drives, slim/athletic, 26-33 who wants to give a relationship a shot, but doesn’t expect me to declare my eternal love and propose after two dates (give it four dates at least!!). No offence intended to anyone who doesn’t meet those criteria but that’s what I’m looking for.
My idea of dating is:
- Find someone who interests me
- Message them for two or three days
- Meet them in person a couple of times
4.1 Keep meeting them and see where it goes
4.2 Both of us agree there’s no chemistry but maybe have found a new friend
Apologies for my lack of tack but I just hate all the useless over complicated crap involved in a relatively simple process
Random as Hell
I was walking by, a bit of jazz in the old earphone to spice things up, when I saw a frog I knew and I know he owed me a drink from the last time I went out for a night on the pond. We were talking about the usual things, lily pad prices, trout taking all the best real estate and ninja penguins when I see Barry the bear in his trademark bowler hat.
I like Barry, he’s good when he’s had a couple of shots of vodka, but when he’s sober he just goes on about his art collection and how all the Hollywood crowd keep trying to do collaborations with him. Anyway I diverge; we hit the pond and Barry keeps going on about how he’s just met some great looking polar bear and all that happiness crap, the frog is telling me about this newt he’s dating.
I’m amazed; I mean I thought newts only went with those famous chameleons that work film backdrops, so I ask how the frog, whilst sipping on my fresh glass of lemonade, how he and Barry are having so much luck with all this relationship stuff and they mention a great website called ‘Plenty of Frogs’.
A bit more digging, Barry the bear has had his vodka shots and dancing the Charleston with a Dalmatian that’s just joined our drinking party, I now owe the Frog a drink and I find out ‘Plenty of Frogs’ has a no human policy, but ‘Plenty of Fish’ on the other hand…
The whole ‘write a paragraph about yourself, then what you like, how you like chick flicks and cuddling animals etc’ just ain’t working, so I may as well have some fun. And if you’re laughing, amused or equally positive about my little story drop me a message.
If you’re looking at this with wide eyed shock or confusion I recommend you move on, and check back in a couple of weeks when I’ve rewritten the profile to something more traditional, and if you see Barry the Bear and he asks for fashion advice, tell him bears look good in brown or the whole fur thing is working for him!
The ???? Style of Profile Writing
I’ve been living on a desert island for a couple of years, got ship wrecked there with only the captains parrot and a toad that speaks French, serves me right for travelling back in time and joining some rum smugglers. Recently found a portal back to the present and although I miss seagull steak Sunday and fresh fish Friday, whatever washes up on the beach Wednesday was a real hoot to boot, figured I’d join the human race again.
I was torn between joining the human race and evolving to pure energy, but as pure energy I’d be wanted to appear at fake hauntings and stuff, so chose the human race, less demands on my time that way.
When nobody’s demanding I get the space monkey rebellion under control or fixing the air con on Pluto (which I still consider the best planet ever, especially since they built the health spa there) I like to take in the planets, the solar system and sometimes even a spot of fishing on mars, but got to admit I think I was mis-sold on that one.
If you’re looking for advice in regards to the best moon to have a picnic on, how to write a profile that’s completely rogue cause you’ve given up trying to write the cookie cutter perfect format or just how to deal with Ninja Penguins, send a message.
If you’re laughing your head off or somehow curious, why not send a message and find out what kind of person writes like this.
Either way, Moo ha ha, moo ha ha
The ‘Social Suicide’ option
Finding love or committing suicide?
Suicide is instant but you only get a few seconds of suffering, finding love takes all your sanity, hope, will to live, and then something more to boot and lasts years
With love there’s a 1 in a 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 chance of finding someone who might make you happy, before killing you because you’ve driven them insane
That’s better odds than a bullet to the brain!
It’s shocking to think I’m still single I know, but then I wouldn’t get to write fucked up dating profiles!!