The Robots guide to Faking Humanity

Warning: Those who are easily offended or have an untwisted sense of humour may not enjoy content, but I don’t care!

The room audible buzzes with life, an air of pure sociability and merriment.. you’re hugging a glass of vodka and begging for it to end, when the incessant tones of bull crap fly over your head and you would rather be a spectator at an AA meeting, if not a member yourself! And a line like that fails to provoke revulsion, but an sly little laugh.

Welcome to the land of ‘I don’t fucking care’ and ‘And?, The point?…’ as a glass of something darker fits snuggly in your hand, the remains of your humanity resting peacefully in the ground, for you my fellow ghost the world hath turned a shade of permanent grey. Good news; life just lost it’s edge and all that fluffy crap took a swan dive into oblivious hell, no more to the fields of love to get a sneezing fit of hayfever, bad news; you just got yourself a one ticket to tortureville and now have to endure all that fluffy crap that pollutes the social airwaves, and you won’t even have the urge to care.

But worry less my hollow shell of a friend, for there are some ways to avoid the mine field of merry halls and workplace ‘foot in mouth’ events that would otherwise plague your day:

1. The Fake Smile

An invaluable tool for any anti social bar steward to wield with full intent, the grim flash of this will kill you a little more inside with the eroding illusion that projected to others, makes them think you might just care!

2. Filtering the fluffy crap for those all important clues

It is obvious to your own state of zombie like emotional death, that whatever that idiot who’s drivelling on about their life is saying is in fact more irrelevant than a health and safety warning on a flamethrower, but saying that aloud will have the verbally offensive capability of a Satan mask in a church!

So one must learn the laborious task of filtering the deluge of words for clues, are they happy, sad or just plain annoying and then follow with an appropriate remark to placate the idiot further.

2.1 Appropriate responses

Happy = That’s good, That’s nice, Oh good and Good to hear

Sad = Sorry about that, Oh dear, That’s a shame and Poor you

Irrelevant shit = How interesting, That sounds great, How’s that working and Urhmmm

The poisonous little voice in your head, that would otherwise make perfect sense if you didn’t have to worry about causing shattering offence for the idiots, is suggesting the politely spoken “I couldn’t give a flying fuck, go away before I hurt you for wasting my time”…. Silence will claim every minute space in the room as tears flow freely from your ‘victims‘ eyes and flood the joint…. This is not socially acceptable, unfortunately!

3. Disposable subject matter

Normal humans like conversation, your withered sense of humanity gave up years ago and became a poisonous little pill to ruin an overriding logical calm, but alas the herd require you to speak so have some off hand or inane subject matter to throw the crowds, they think you’re still salvageable as you flash a grim fake smile and feign caring.


Now I must confess the anti-social vibes emanating off this piece could drive an optimist convention to drug abuse, but there is a silver lining to the morbid reality of my advisory, for the few that garner enough respect and value to such a cold illusion of a person they are allowed to visit the emotionally vibrant, if not a little dark!, world that awaits the honoured few that earn the levitated classification of ‘I give a damn about you’ within the caustic internals of a coldly uncaring mind. Otherwise known as family, friends and loved ones! (but not always every family member)

And without the swarming background of unwanted fluffiness there is a sense of the solidly real, the shit that matters to which the outsider can put the appropriate and measured response which maybe a tad clinical and uncaring, but a respectfully levelled emotional reaction. I would reference my mother (yes the poor women exists, for all her sins!) as an example, NHS to the core and ruthless with a razor blade of words that can cut anything to size without fanfare, never fluffy but always on hand and able to help but never one to fuss or faff and fall apart in tune with the time wasting antics of someone less clinical.

And the loved one you called a husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, other half or lover… With them you will be truly able to be yourself and they will never, well rarely, take serious offence because that’s why they love you. And before you convert your home to a cat shelter in surrender, find the right person and love will not be cruelly denied, but a stronger bond will replace the prevailing illusion that love is all rainbows and unicorns frolicking in a field… the remains of my heart are testament to the harm that lie can cause, equally the cause for my own humanity residing six feet under.

Look out for my future guides:

How to survive depression without razor blades

Dark sense of humour? throw some light on that wicked grin

Love… If it hasn’t killed you already

Disclaimer: These guides do not come with free anti-depressants and are not written positively, no offence intended!


4 thoughts on “The Robots guide to Faking Humanity

  1. Love it! You know what is as offensive as a satan mask in church? Telling Jehovah’s Witnesses that you’d love to hear their message but could they come back later as you are overseeing a black mass and human sacrifice.
    I did that. They never came back to my door. I felt no guilt. It was funny.
    Well, it was funny to me and those my ilk who appreciate macabre humor.
    You’re a gifted writer, dude.

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