Mourning the loss of an Illusion

This week I give final rest to an illusion

There is a ‘Her’ to which a refer in my writing who means a lot to me, not least because it was Her that gave me a fresh look at life, even though she broke my heart I can’t imagine who I would be today without her influence on my life. For years since we were a ‘We’ I have seldom found anything even glimpsing at something like I had, short of a second life altering perception gig, another day and various amounts of drinks will be required to eek that one out of me!

Anyway, back on subject… since we split I have had an illusion that we might get together again, even though it was glaringly evident we would not be more than friends. As time passed I realised this illusion was just that and such as the nature of it I let it be, it has not spoiled the realistic logic of my good friendship and so I let it exist but when hit by the revelation that ‘Her’ was dating…. one never knows the strength of something until it collapses around them.

In that moment I discovered the truth behind the illusion as an hour later I was roaming the fields near my pub in tears, pure born emotional tears as years of repressed emotions and ignored feelings sledge hammered me rough style, the illusion was less about her and more expressive of my own failed attempts to find anything since that compared. The idea I could have a relationship with Her was merely a way of hiding from the fact I am fated to be an unemotional robot, the prospect of happiness running into the same ditch I lost my hope in before I even met her, and seems fit to claim what’s left.

There is a pandoric twist in this tale, although I face the death of an illusion of love I find the real face of my ability to feel for another, and it’s no longer held back by the pathetically lacking bull crap ideas I was working off before, as the landlord put it ‘You need a fuck buddy’… just had a minor breakdown and rediscovered my wealth of suicidal thoughts, that’s his advice!

Now, a ‘Fuck buddy’ is not what I need because that sounds seedy and shallow, but the idea you can be with someone without the pretence and faff of ‘Love’ is something I have already explored with my rather cynical and cut throat opinions on relationships, so why not look for a ‘Companion in life’ instead, who yes I will probably end up fucking! (did I mention I’m blunt and rather non-fluffy)

Two compatible people who like each other and that can live together without bloodshed, isn’t that a relationship?

Add in the fact that if two blessed souls like each other on a fundamental level they will grow to love their partner in a deeper sense, isn’t a practical understanding of relationships better than the fluffy ideals we are taught?

So screw cupid, big red hearts and fluffy romantic crap, it leads to heart brake, pain and emotional scarring for robots such as myself. Give me a decent human being I can live with and open up to etc etc etc… written this already so I’ll spare you the repeat, the only catch is I need to find someone with similar ideals!

Love to know your opinions on this folks, unless you don’t want to share… Your call and thanks for reading

Related posts:

What I want to say but can’t

Relationships: The stuff they should teach you but don’t

Loneliness, What they never teach you


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