So, you’re tapping out!
Life got y’down one too many times and even looking in the mirror gives you sweetly fatalistic thoughts of purest revulsion, having to look at yourself makes you regret your own continued existence.
1. Is this latest attempt merely the half a dozen pills you just swallowed talking? and will the paramedic believe it was an accident?!, a ‘misreading of the dosage’ as you will word it; “I thought it said two packets instead of two caplets, honest”!
2. Are you alone…. You’re about to kill yourself so having an audience makes it just plain macabre/new age theatre, have the decency to save the wife and kids finding a lifeless corpse in your place, a lot better to be a stranger… Unless you have no wife and kids, thus the current life choice.
3. Did you at least pick a decent hotel to die in, no one wants to check out in a ‘No tell motel’ that has imitation pillow mints… Just plain ugly! And on that line of thought did you get two nights and leave a do not disturb sign on the door, make sure no one can revive you in the morning and ruin the moment.
4. Have a friggin laugh, whatever god you believe in sure as hell is laughing so go wild and crack a fucking joke, die smiling!!
5. Be a good looking corpse, ask yourself this; Who wants to find a body in an awful pair of faded jogging bottoms and a ketchup stained T-shirt? Go break out the Sunday best and impress them all, you won’t see the looks on their faces but you know they’ll be less bummed out.
And shave, shower and smarten yourself up will you, take some pride in your death!
5. The Note, I don’t care what you blame it all on but get the fucking grammar right, nobody wants their big reveal ruined by a missing coma or a misspelt word, also avoid auto-correct on smart phones if you’re too lazy to hand write it “I can think of s reason to live amy more” just plain ruins it.
6. The last ditch phone call… If the person on the other end points out you’re not in a ‘right mind’, reach down the phone and slap them cause that’s just stating the fucking obvious!