Social Rule 211: Remember that new parents are proud of their offspring, and do not react well to anything that suggests otherwise

So, you’ve purchased your latest lifestyle accessory, welcome to the glorious elations of parenthood!

But I hear you ask; What to do now?

Having acquired a ‘Wife Unit’/‘Husband Unit’ and located said unit in a house, had the obligatory ‘Put the toilet seat down’/‘Don’t leave feminine products out’ argument and resisted the urge to kill each other for a standard settling in period, you’ve now elected to acquire a ‘Baby Unit’.

At this stage you’re thinking; Can I return it? What does it do? Can I sell it?

Firstly, there is no return policy, receipt or trade in service (my parents tried, can’t think why!) and until the ‘Baby Unit’ becomes an ‘Adult Unit’ you have a responsibility to care for said baby, until they are old enough to be shipped off to an educational facility known as University.

Secondly, selling children is illegal, morally wrong and under current law not an option, my parents were spoken to on several occasions and the ‘three for two offers’ on me, my brother and sister were not viewed positively.

And finally, what does it do?

A baby unit is much like a man before they are finely crafted by a loyal patient long suffering wife, they drool all over you, require constant supervision and make a lot of mess whilst demanding chunks of your time, as well as making embarrassing noises at awkward moments. Since you’re already married it should be easy enough to apply the same training techniques to your child, as you have applied them to the wonderful charming adequately behaving husband, the only real difference is that nappies are involved.

For the father the words to remember are ‘What did your mother say?’

The last task is naming said child, and no ‘Child’ ‘Baby’ ‘Creature’ or ‘Thing’ are not sociably accepted names outside of mothering groups, and for the wife you will have to clarify whether it is husband or baby you are referring to when using these terms.

For the father names may include ‘Money Pit’ ‘Slimy Thing’ or ‘It’, again not accepted terms in social environments, ‘Chain and Ball’ ‘Ball Buster’ and ‘The other half’ are still acceptable when referring to the wife, although not recommended within hearing range of your wife.

Now enjoy the next 18-20yrs until you can send your offspring to an educational facility across the country, move house without saying and change back to maiden names (before the holy union) to avoid been tracked down until they are at least thirty, and able to support you.

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4 thoughts on “Social Rule 211: Remember that new parents are proud of their offspring, and do not react well to anything that suggests otherwise

  1. Know how I can tell this post was written by a Brit? You think adult children stay gone til they are 30 and able to support the ‘rents. In reality…The parents in the U.S pretty much let the kids live off them at age 30 plus cos the adult children care more about gaming all night and sleeping all day as opposed to working or caring for others.
    (I speak about this from firsthand experience with my sis and her husband who has held a job a total of eight months in 17 years yet sleeps all day and games all night while she, his mom, and my mom, support him.)

    He’s the frigging posterchild for retroactive abortion.

    • My mum just said ” Your sisters flat needs a tenant, you’re moving out, I expect you to be paying your own way within a year ”
      Ruthless mothering but the only way I would have it!!
      Now i’m only a little short and trying damn hard not to be

      • My sister has never had her own place with her husband and kid, they’ve lived with my mom for 19 years now. I cannot image being nearly 40 and being content living with my mommy. I moved out at 17 to get away from her. My sister must be a masochist. Or she’s just the golden child mom doesn’t treat like shit and run off.

  2. But just because your not the golden child doesn’t mean that no one loves you, you’re special, one of a kind, unique and your own person….
    When someone says that, you’re fucked in all the wring ways!
    My mum compliments me with the word “Functional”, and so I pass on the same level of fluffiness when I say “you can raise a kid, run a home and survive a dysfunctional life… The world’s got shit on how great you are”!

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