How to sabotage relationship hunting and alienate 99% of women

The latest insult of a dating profile:

Every few months the loneliness gets too much and I give in and write a car crash profile that sabotages any hope of a shot in hell from a galloping horse style chances of hitting heavens gates, in terms of success
One day I might even just write a suicide note!

I’m a good guy, steady job and in terms of character I’m a passable human, not going to pretend you’d like me all the time because I have it in me to be a Grade A a-hole, but I keep that crap to myself mostly and a quick verbal slap generally rectifies the problem

I like walking, country pubs (never drink booze but love pubs) and would love to take in some culture down London way, but theatres trigger anxiety something fierce cause I hate waiting around and being trapped in busy social places (major attracting point for the ladies I suspect!)
Always thought sitting way above it all in a technicians booth would be cool, see the show and none of the hellish anxiety and stress as you enjoy it from the shadows

I hate humanity but like people, the ones I don’t mind having to spend time with anyway!
And I work in a field that is health and safety, background check and plain bat shit paranoid crazy it hath instilled in mine person a healthy dose of privacy issues to sabotage any hope at starting a relationship in the first place (major good at selling myself, honest…)

What I really want to do is meet someone who reads this and laughs wickedly, smiles a sly grin in midnight tones and figures I’m worth messaging if the only slither of corrupting cat curdling curiosity is to see a face to match to the crazy man writing anti-social shit on a dating website
That person I can have a conversation with

Now there is no glorified fantastic selfie of me surfing whilst saving a dolphin and posing next to a Disney princess (would love to see someone pinch their arse and get a fist full princess knuckles on camera no less!) because face it, this profile is down right ditch dirt terrible and who in sanity’s’ salvation puts a face to this voluntarily
Throw me a message, I post a convict style shot of me looking decent and handsome (subject to your personal opinion), you decide if I’m worth more than two words or an insult for the princess comment

If you are indeed in villainess fashion grinning or laughing your head off, message me and let me know I’m not some one off freak who gets this kind of writing
If the horrified face your showing puts the creepy girl crawling out of the TV in ‘The Ring’ to shame, a hint;”I’m not y’type honey so shuffle to the coffee shop scene and give us barflies some real plain speaking ladies to insult us” as someone in a noir film would so eloquently word it

Car Crash signing off!

Can you believe I’m still single?!

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3 thoughts on “How to sabotage relationship hunting and alienate 99% of women

  1. You referenced The Ring…I think I love you.

    Your profile sounds about like what mine would be if I were, ya know, not too mentally fucked to have a dating profile. Dating and all that gives me mega panic attacks so I just avoid.

    Besides…my dream guy is fictional. Hannibal Lecter is the real deal,man. A shrink. A cook. Strange sense of humor. Like…my soul mate.

    Can you believe I’m single???

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