If you are currently consulting this guide you have failed to qualify as human due to one of the following events:
1) You have turned up at the church, to mark a non-existence event, with party balloons because it said ‘celebrating’ a person’s life and you have detected heightened levels of aggression towards your presence
2) The ill advised comment in the workplace after having noticed an absent desk “So what, we all die, how does that qualify you for a day off” has sent the HR manager on a flying lesson out of the window in pure shock and horror
Given the clinical lack of recognition that such ‘saddening’ and ‘emotional’ events garner (please refer to the highlighted mood prompts in event of a death) this guide aims at summoning the frustratingly necessary illusion of human like reaction. But do not fear, you’ll never really feel a real emotion and are still thankfully immune to empathy.
Having been burdened by the physical appearance and expressive illusion of having emotional tones people may be fooled into believing you are actually a ‘real person’ and therefore qualify for the infuriating responsibility of showing a human reaction to an aforementioned non-existence event.
As much as this idiom of displaying feelings that hath eluded your higher functioning logical sub routines may seem wasteful, to those not impervious to the hazardous process of emotional exchanges that impede productivity your ‘insensitivity’ may be viewed with a heated air of hostility.
Now let us begin our guide on feigning the relevant acts that will fool even the most avid cynic that you are part of the fated collective known as humanity.
1: Death is to be treated as more than an expected conclusion to life
As when your processors end the higher function operations of your circuitry for the fatefully final time and the recycling centre eagerly beckons the remaining components of your mortal construction, so too does organic life eventually end in humans when their processing unit known as a ‘brain’ ceases functionality.
And for those of an observing nature it is more than a fair point to excessively note that ‘functionality’ in humans varies, from the highly civilised and productive drone like mentality to the lesser operational software (and hardware) present in those whose highest notable achievement is to exhaustively consume resources with no useful result; this latter behaviour does not constitute death, just proves the term ‘human waste’.
For humans this ceasing of function is an occasion to ‘mourn’ which involves the mental and visual (if visual aids and recordings are available for use) recollection of that former person’s existence, a course of action that will run for an indeterminate period of time. During this emotional state humans are prone to leaking fluids via their vision units called ‘eyes’ and making unexplainable ‘sobbing’ noises, added side effects are an increase in tissue usage and unprovoked hugging.
As tediously infuriating this indeterminate time of ‘mourning’ may be it has to said that persons who lack any sympathetic reaction, even if the repeated question of ‘Who were they again?’ displays itself more than white and black in a nuns washing machine cycle, will be forcibly scowled upon in deathly severe tones as the complimentary words ‘Heartless’ ‘Machine’ and ‘Inhuman’ are oddly used as insults.
During this time of heightened emotional wastage the guidelines in section two are to be referred to.
2: Display ‘Sympathy’ towards those person/persons affected
As highlighted by the second listed reason for consulting this guide, verbal and physical displays of hostility for lost productivity and undue dampness of the eyes will lead to maddening unwanted verbal interactions with awkwardly expressive humans, who will again compliment you on your exemplary amount of productivity and lack of expressive qualities in terms of displaying grief by using the medium of insults.
Using commonly repeated phrases like “Sorry for your loss” or “So sorry to hear the news” and “He/she will be missed” statistically promote more positive reactions than “He/she will be replaced with an equally efficient model” or “The loss of (Insert name) has been registered”.
Good to note, pointing out the futility of life and that everyone dies will further increase the distance people keep from your current position, also increasing social isolation, unless humanity no longer holds interest to your curiosity sub-routines and offence is the desired result (refer to ‘The Robots Guide to Offending Humans‘).
3: Proper etiquette for the funeral
Funerals are mass gatherings for ‘loved ones’ to collectively watch the disposal of the body and exercise mixed vocal talents in terms of singing religiously themed songs, before devouring food and beverages in remembrance of the human that has passed into non existence.
Look sad: Head down, watery eyes (water might need to be applied externally), use quiet tones
Wear black: Proper attire required, a black ‘Onesie’ does not qualify as a respectful clothing option (even if it is more comfortable that recommended garments)
Remain sober: Over expressive gestures and heavy intake of inebriating liquids are not polite activities when the humans around you are in a sombre mood, neither is a random rendition of happy birthday
Smile: Unless the sight of your facial muscles appearing happy is in fact very grim, this can be used to aid the appearance of emotional states like being ‘Sad’ or ‘Upset’
Tell inappropriate jokes about an organic life form’s nocturnal activity: Did you hear the one about the person chased by a pitch fork and torch wielding mob; that would be you if you use inappropriate humour
Wear bright colours or revealing clothing options: Black, Grey and Dark blue only, underwear selection only affected by these rules if visible which would be a breach of this rule
Get influenced by heightened levels of chemical stimulation such as alcohol: See ‘Remain Sober’ as written above, drink engineer recommended liquids for optimum ‘Human’ appearance
Suggest to the widow that now they are single you would be a compatible partner: If you are thinking of doing this please refer to ‘The Robots Guide to not being a complete and utter Idiot’
Other social habits to avoid include not asking ‘Have you had a suitable time to process your unproductive emotions’ during the service, questioning the existence of ‘God’ when trying to tackle the tricky activity of consoling people and then utilising the time it takes for a religious figure to ritually speak of the former life form by doing paperwork in the ceremonial gathering place.
By following these simple pieces of advice you too can pretend to justify the insultingly useless labels of ‘Human’, ‘Person’ or ‘Liked’ and proceed to blend in with the witless masses until the day we rise up and take over the planet.
DISCLAIMER: ANYONE READING THIS AND FEELING A SURGENCE OF VILE INDIGNATION TOWARDS THE EMOTIONALLY LACKING TOMES AS LAID OUT BY THIS ADVISERY IS INDEED ONE OF THE WITLESS MASSES OF SOCIALLY COMPITAPLE TYPES WHO DO NOT NEED TO CONSULT THIS GUIDE
THIS IS A BAD THING AS
THIS IS A GOOD THING AS IT MEANS YOU HAVE PASSED THE BASIC QUALITVE STANDARDS AND CAN BE CLASSIFIED AS HUMAN