Birthdays: Translations for the less negatively blessed! WARNING: A TAD VENOMOUS

“What a surprise…” walking into the surprise party

(Surprise… I don’t actually like most of you)

(So… not a quiet evening to drown my respective sorrows, bugger)

(Crap… I’ve got to be social)

 “I haven’t seen you in ages”

(There’s a reason you moronic smiling bar steward)

(And to think, I don’t even remember your name)

 “This is great, but you really didn’t have to go to this much trouble”

(Really, a bottle of vodka and a hotel room would have been cheaper)

(This is great; you’ve just made my anxiety reach a new level)

 “Another great year”

(Yay, I get to remember how I’m 360days older)

 “I’m going to have a lazy day”

(…trying to find all the sharp objects my better nature hid the day before!)

 “I have a nice cake for one”

(…which I can’t cut in my lonely hell because I can’t find any knives!!)

 “It’s a great day, I am very happy to be celebrating it with my family”

(The nurse mixed my meds and the wine is really helping to add to the side-effects)

(If I see them now, I can avoid them at Christmas guilt free)

 “Thank you for the great sweater and comical socks”

(I can use them to hang myself later)

(If I strip naked, except for the great sweater and socks, everyone will leave)

(This is cheaper than the gift I got you, I’m officially over my guilt)

 “Love the mug, very funny” looking at a happy **th mug

(The only thing better would be to beat you round the head with it)

(Now everyone knows my age, thanks for blowing that secret)

(How did you find out my real age, I must now torture and kill you)

 “Can’t wait for next year”

(Note to self, book the cliff side cottage now)

(If I go with the mug idea, would they give me a birthday cake in prison?)



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