How to tell if you are socially compatible with the environment around you:
- Is everyone screaming, banging their heads against hard objects or rocking gently in the corner in a stunned silence?
- Have you said something so off piece/borderline offensive without realising it that even the super feminist dressed in a Hitler outfit is silent?
- There is no one in the room and the guests are figments of your imagination and even they are displaying traits highlighted in the first two points listed
- The women you have started talking to is now leaping off the nearest high object to avoid further conversation with you
- Your family is saying that you are ‘some guy they invited because they thought he was someone else’ and keeping a ten metre distance at all times
If any of these seem to be familiar occurrences then good luck making friends with the wall or other inanimate objects of suitable structural integrity to endure your presence. We recommend a corrective process of making sure that you never required to converse with, go near, be within ten miles of or actually consider making contact with another human being, for the sake of their health.
If you are with someone who brings out these behaviours in others and are not reacting you are either friend, family or their respective other half, in which case we are sorry for the loss of your social life. In case of anything other than ‘family’ connecting you with that person we recommend you run, very fast away from that blight on the face of humanity, if you are ‘family’ we are sad to inform you that you are immortally screwed.