Christmas Letter 2016 (clean version!)

Dear Santa

    Fuck you… That hourglass figured stripper with noticeable features you said was ‘into me’ turned out to be a cannibal (and you knew it) but I did return the favour and say you were interested in being her Christmas diner but alas I would not be attending, seems I will have a property deal to negotiate in the North Pole (depending on the outcome of the diner). On other counts I must report that this year has been crappy, annoying and somewhat depressing, with a side order of damningly morose at even the lowest failures of a high.

    To concede I must reluctantly (with a capital R so visible from space that a short sighted alien amoeba could see it) that there were some less than miserable failing highs to punctuate an otherwise razor blade tempting year. An event of stature that resounds as a drum in a silent meditation session being the Easter Bunny’s summer bash/drunken excuse to get so pissed a hall of mirrors would appear passable un distorting, your party trick with an elf hat and a candy cane only topped by the arrival of your wife… at least she only kicked you out for two months this time!

    So we warmly arrive to the part of this letter where I spell out my most earnest desires present wise, the above mentioned lady but without a taste for flesh notwithstanding, and so I do begin this fatally short request list by asking for two weeks at a cliff side villa. The next two requests must as ever be taken as unconnected in what could evolve into ‘accidental’ circumstances, referencing a pair of wings and two crates of vodka, in no way an indicating factor to what would really open a cracking elegy!

    The end is nigh for my literary contribution to that sack of fuel you use to cut heating bills, as is my time to contribute to your existence should that stripper find where you live, and so I must wish you the best of seasonal working conditions and a merry (not too drunken) new year. That year little Timmy found a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his socking may be funny, but according to the lawyers very costly, good thing you delivered Cupid (tied up and gagged whilst wearing half a pantomime horse outfit) to a department store by accident, else it really would have been a law suit to remember.

    On another note; I shall never tell Cupid that I found the other half of the outfit in my flat the following day!

Your Friend as ever

Bob Larkin Robertos

PS; You still owe me for last year’s disappearing act from the pub, two rounds of drinks and an apology for asking if you can ‘unwrap like a present on Christmas morning’ the bar maid, on another note; if I don’t get my Christmas wishes I’ll tell your wife what I know

 

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One thought on “Christmas Letter 2016 (clean version!)

  1. Your holiday hybrid letter is frickin’ awesome, dude.
    2016 was indeed razor blade inducing.
    But wait…there’s more!
    2017 to bitch slap us in the face!
    Least you lot don’t have Trump as a president.

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