The idiots guide to avoiding death at the hands of a depressive

Never sell a positive you can’t guarantee, never reassure someone when there is no hope to repair a situation

Idiot: It’ll get better, you’ll meet someone one day

Depressive: I’ve been single for double digit years and that’s the third person to reject me this month

Idiot: Plenty more fish in the sea

Depressive: I’m going to die alone

Idiot: Never give up hope, there’s someone for everyone

Depressive: (lifting heavy object)

Idiot: (no longer conscience and now bleeding from a head wound)

Selling false hope to a depressive is the equivalent of telling a terminally ill patient they will have a long and healthy life, que the lack of a positive response and some heavy sighs from the nearest intelligent person!

Don’t offer pointless and useless help, advise or assistances

Idiot: Here; have this cuddle, and you know you can tell me anything

Depressive: Don’t touch me, or I’ll hurt you

Idiot: Don’t be like that, I am here to help you and listen

Depressive: I don’t want to talk to you, go away

Idiot: I want to help you with my love and caring attitude

Depressive: Ok; so I offended a co-worker because they were a whiny bitch, lost my job and the boss told me I was ‘too morbid’ and should ‘care more about others’ like the person who couldn’t take a little joke about suicide that wasn’t even that bad and just because I was holding a knife to my wrist I am a ‘risk to the business’….. (etc etc)

Idiot: (Endless screaming as the mental health nurse sedates them)

Pointless and useless help is not useful, blindly damning and is it bound to cause aggravation and stress; yes!

The new definition of pain you feel as either 1; they take you up on your offer but you are wholly not prepared for the fire storm of crazy, or 2; they are using you as an emotional punching bag to release all that pent up crazy

So ask yourself if you really thought it was a good idea, as the mental health nurses reassure you that you might recover the ability to sleep without nightmares one day

Don’t mollycoddle

Depressive: I don’t need your sympathy

Idiot: You going to be ok, do you feel ok

Depressive: Do you have eyes, I just showed you where I was cutting myself

Idiot: I think you need a hug, lets have a hug and make it all feel better

Depressive: If you do I’ll…

Idiot: You really need a hug don’t you, tell me what’s wrong and get over here

Depressive: No, but you are going to need a medic

Idiot: (flying across the room as a fist hits their face)

Depressive: Well that actually helped

Idiot: Why are there two of you, I can’t hug two of you and the cartoon monkey is telling me…


In the art of dealing with depression you don’t crowd, placate or offer hollow sympathy (unless the last time a depressive punched you it really did damage!) but accept that distance is the best part of wisdom

A beverage, some space and distracting humour are by far wiser strategies

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